Self ltd.

I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of always being scared. No matter what I do, what I'm supposed or am intending to do or say... I'm always so scared.. worried... thinking about what ifs. I'm annoyed at myself for always escaping into prograstination or to other worlds found in movies, games, books... where things are easy. You can always save and retry situations in games and feel like you achieved something, even though you've just spent the whole day sitting on a chair. I'm fed up..

But at the same time, I'm at a loss of what to do. Reality is difficult to handle and everything seems to be moving against me. So many things are failing at the same time.. it's disheartening. I'm starting to get paralyzed. I don't feel like trying to solve things the usual way by trying to hunt down a summer job and send in tens of applications. I need a personal change. I want change on a deeper level. I want to stop being scared. I want to stop it from freezing my movements. I will gain nothing by being scared. I will watch people and things slip past my fingers, because I was too scared to hold them firmly and put in an effort. What if I say something wrong that they'll end up disliking me? What if I screw up or thinking I'll screw up anyway so why try. I want to purge myself from fear and disheartening thought patterns. I want to rid myself of thoughts that define me as not good enough, not worth the appreciation and love of other people. I want to stop thinking people might always have underlying motives and that they truly don't care about me. I'm sick and tired.. Please let me trust them more and trust myself more.

I'm starting to truly feel lonely. I want to care about someone and be cared about by someone. I want to be in a team that battles and enjoys life together. But it's out of my reach and by the looks of it, going farther away day by day.

Circumstances aside

I keep falling in love with the same person !! Year after year I'm surprised by the strenght of emotion. Maybe it's the result of the long distance and the rarity of meeting face to face.. but damn... that one is something amazing - in all aspects. And sure enough, they know it also haha.

IF I HAD 9 DAYS LEFT TO LIVE, WHAT WOULD I DO?

Being a coward is starting to heavily irritate me. That person is already tied with me, but still I'm too damn worried and scared of doing or saying all the wrong things. I want to scream and shout in excitement, smile at random people, dance and laugh loudly! Withdrawal symptoms in progress!